thoughts of a dying atheist

wow, it's been 9 months since my last update. not much has changed since then, and that's the depressing part.

the struggle remains the same. since we last spoke, i have yet another new car, new ink, a new job title, but i still feel exactly the same. cash flow issues abound, i guess the more that you make, the more you're motivated to spend.

despite my best efforts and intentions, i still haven't earned the right to call "her" my own. no matter, i've resolved myself to the fact that it probably was never meant to be, yet at least. "she" is a free spirit of indomitable will. my brother johnmar warned me before that girls her age still haven’t gotten the party fully out of their system, and i really should have listened. would have saved me a great deal of heartache and grief yet at the same time, i don’t regret anything. i cherish the time that i spend with her, and i would do anything to see her smiling. her smile is like a salve, it wipes away the negativity in my life. of course, i say all this now like everything is ending, which it may very well be, yet the moment she texts or calls, i come running like a well-trained dog. yeah, i really don’t know. everybody sees how I feel about her, yet she is completely oblivious to it, whether that is by design or intentional, i couldn’t really tell you. typing this out now, i realize how much i know about this girl, and how little at the same time. suffice it to say that she’s made a deep imprint into the fabric of my life, and by God’s grace, so have i.

in other happy news, i’m still a fat fuck, if not more so than before. in order to fund my car, i sold 19 pairs of shoes. not fun, but necessary. which brings me to my next topic, the disbanding of a brotherhood. i never thought that in my life i’d see such a strong friendship dissolve, with the most tragic part being that it’s not over women or money. admittedly, money has strained the issue. the hardest pill for me to swallow in it all is that there is very little i can do, since i’m essentially an outsider looking in, playing the sidelines on this one. the most i can do is support both sides and hope that time, as people say, can heal this.

i guess this is why i so seldomly blog anymore, i never have anything uplifting to share. rehashing the details of my life is somewhat gut wrenching and i prefer to put it past me, but sometimes we all need some catharsis. so i’m posting this up for everyone and no one to see at the same time. i’ll return like i always do, hopefully sooner than later. “better late than never, but never late is better.” haha gay, kthxbi.