thoughts of a dying atheist

i find blogging hard to do these days simply for the fact that i don't have anything to blog about.

i don't do anything with my life.

i lack motivation to do anything.

i live a highly routine life of work -> basketball -> gym -> sleep

i believe i'm stuck in what some people would call, a rut.

i've fallen into a monotony that i'm too scared to get out of, yet can't stand to be in.

i used to question, and still do actually, why people so despise me...why i'm always the one excluded...why i'm never on the guest list...and it became clear to me, this is a product of my own doing. my unwillingness to bend to the will of others makes me the pariah, makes me the forgotten one. i don't know if i would want to hang out with me either, to be quite frank.

i've accepted this fact, but that certainly doesn't make it any easier to swallow. all i've ever wanted was to be one of the cool kids.

for the first time in five years, i've considered looking for a different job for a plethora of reasons.

not that work is supposed to be fun, but it shouldn't be oppressive either...there comes a point where you question if what you're doing is even worthwhile, and that's the point when the passion leaves you. a rash of failures on my part certainly doesn't help the cause either. as much as i would like to say my relapse to cigarette dependence is just my trying to act like a tough guy and not stress related, i simply can't.

i've never been one who complains much about anything, but there are only a certain number of slights a man can take before they begin to feel underappreciated. it's certainly not even about the compensation, but simply recognition.

things are undoubtedly changing in life: cliques shift, relationships come to a close, shit, even the yankees might not play in october...there's no more seattle supersonics. i may not be as apathetic to progression as i once thought myself.

so in conclusion, i don't know. i really don't fucking know. i can't wait to see my mom this weekend though, that much i DO know.