thoughts of a dying atheist

i'd be a fucking liar if i said i wasn't both anxious and nervous about this weekend.

the past few nights i've had trouble sleeping, and i can't discern whether or not its because of the cocktail of supplements i take for excercise or a matter of butterflies, maybe even both.

maturity is something that has been knocking at my door for a while, and it has finally come time to let it in.

i could honestly live without the whole tedium of the ceremony of passing over from an undergraduate to whatever the fuck you become after, but i realize that the walk across the stage when your name is called, the handshake, the smile into the camera and the subsequent flash, and then the walk off the stage, isn't for me.

it's for my mom, who has spent 23.88 years on her feet in chinese restaurants serving under-appreciative customers to make sure my ass is straight.

it's for my dad, who's taken me halfway around the world and back.

it's for my aunt, who dropped 15 stacks to buy a plane ticket to fly out for 4 days just to see me in a square hat.

indeed, i could care less about this moment. the defining moment in my life, personally, is almost a year ago to the day, June 3, 2007 when i was allowed to return. once that happened, that i would be where i'm at today was a foregone conclusion.

though many certainties lie before me, their outcomes are still unforeseeable, and i think that's one of the main reasons for my recent bout with insomnia. in some kind of twisted manner though, i've come to thrive on this anxiety for some reason. it inspires within me a greatness i never thought i could possess. challenge and adversity are a constant bane which i've somehow turned into an ally.

i just hope she gets back to me soon. this wait is both thrilling and agonizing at the same time. patience is greater than courage, but i've never been all that brave.