thoughts of a dying atheist

i find jogging to be such a chore these days.

i'm constantly having to battle myself on whether or not to keep going or just to give up.

getting into shape, losing weight or getting more fit requires a certain element that i seem to lack these days, a goal.

it's easy to achieve what you set out to do when you're slighted or have something to prove. a chip on your shoulder can be a dangerous thing, it's like waving a steak in front of a deprecated tiger.

i used to see myself as that tiger, but now all i find myself to be is a sickly cat. the reason why most people fail is because they lack the willpower, this is because they can't envision where they want to be. they can't taste it.

from within, i find myself persistently having to tell myself, "if you want to be 165 pounds, your ass has to run like you're 165 pounds."

it's obviously easier than it sounds. that 20 minutes can be a long 20 minutes.

i will concede that i'm happy to be back in the gym though. i once again have my haven where worries and troubles dissipate. when you step into that locker room, you're no longer a student. you're no longer an administrative assistant. you're not chinese. you're not black, you're not white. you're either fit, or you're unfit. you're either fighting to better yourself, or fighting to stay at your best.

i once took pride in my stubbornness. i used to revel in the fact that where most people turned away in the face of failure, i dove in remorselessly, often to disaster, but occasionally to glory. where did that go?