thoughts of a dying atheist

when my adoring readers make a request of me, who am i to withhold their request from them when it is in my power to fulfill it?

so, thanks to miss t, i'm back for now.

sometimes, in the course of being an adult or in my case, pretending to be one, it becomes too easy to lull oneself into believing that anything your heart desires can be yours, given the appropriate amount of effort. i myself personally have fallen into this trap.

when you get used to getting everything that you really want, be it clothes or shoes, good grades or an iPod, a new computer or a pair of true religions, you allow a habit to form.

this is the bane of making your own money, however much or little that may be.

so what happens when the one thing, or person, that you really want can't be yours? this is something that i'm still trying to reconcile, and if you haven't noticed, caused my last burst of emotion. i do have to concede that i invested way too much of myself given the situation, but i was helpless.

i still can't decide whether it's my pride or my heart that's more affected by the stonecold realization of something that i've known since the second of the quarter. despite my best effort, no matter how funny i was, how well i dressed, how articulated my speech was, she was someone else's.

it's led me to question the value of all that i've obtained since my fateful exile from uci and my triumphant return.

what the fuck was the point of all my hard work if i can't even get the girl that i'm almost certain was put on earth to be my better half?

that's something that i've continually evaluated since our last and most likely final encounter, and i still curse myself for the lackluster ending to our 8 week acquaintance.

it's something that's ushered in a pattern of systematic self destruction and loathing underscored by green teas and chivas and red bull jagers.

the only thing that i've come to learn in this all is that baron davis as a charlotte hornet was still raw as hell, ask me how...

i had second thoughts about reallowing comments (yeah i'm a chick, i know) but i figured if you guys have to put up with my pms'ing, at the very least you deserve the opportunity to ridicule me.