thoughts of a dying atheist

recent developments have lead me to believe that a girl in my classes is starting to become quite enamored with me. this would generally be good news, except that i really don't feel that i can reciprocate her affection.

this is not to discredit her though, because she's funny, smart, ambitious, and cute as a button, but i just don't see myself being with her, whether it's for a week or for years. i sometimes feel as though i actively search for the faults in people, which is one of my own character flaws.

in addition, i still long to be with the girl from my bittersweet thursdays, even though she's emotionally involved. through the minute details that she has told me about her boyfriend, he's some AzN who drives a riced-out integra and slangs. ok, not so much different from myself, other than the fact that i don't dabble in urban pharmacy, but fuck man, you would think a girl who was a personal wealth advisor would have a keener sense of discretion. let's hope that at least he is more well off than i am, which shouldn't be hard. in any case, when a girl dates a loser, is that a reflection on me of my shortcomings as a candidate, or of her lack of judgment?

girls love bad boys. this is nothing new. james dean, marty mcfly...mclovin, they were all adored by the opposite sex for their perpendicular alignment to normalcy, yet i fail to see where some asian fuckhead, who probably has has dyed bangs, wears cortez's while selling quaalude's to put the next useless modification on his 3 colored acura integra that still has trouble keeping up with a durango falls on the spectrum of rebels without causes.

this part of the story is where you guys break out the violins and tissues. after having spent the afternoon of valentine's reintroducing miss dey squared to irvine, in which she was given a flower by some geek from the Anime Club for the 2 minutes that i left to retrieve cash and some homo named Blaise(pronounced BLAZE, i assume) asked me about my shoes(so fucking awkward, i wish people wouldn't do this), i dropped her off and returned to school, anxious to see my own valentine. as i entered the room, dressed to the 7's( i can't afford dressing to the 9's), i saw her and my heart fluttered.

she had saved me a seat, like always, and i sat.

"i wasn't here last week," she said in her kinda raspy kinda hot tone.

"i noticed..."i said, trying to sound both disinterested and nonchalant, all the while suggesting how much i enjoyed her company(this isn't as simple as it sounds!)

"yada yada yada(this part of the transcript was lost in my mind due to the next words that came out of her mouth) i have to leave early today," she related, "i have valentine's dinner." she sounded oddly disappointed, though it lacked in the intensity of my own disappointment.

"oooooooooh!" i crooned, giving it the proper inflection in my voice to suggest that i was both excited for her, and how gay and sappy it was. i sold it like a fuckin' pro, i should be cast for a supporting role for how well i played my part.

so yeah, she left early, leaving me alone in "our" corner of the class for the last hour to wonder what he had to offer that i couldn't. does he make her happy? does she think about him at school? does he have a savvy fashion sense? is his integra fast? does he stimulate her brilliance the way that it deserves to be, or was he dumb as rock?

i had a dream that she read my blog last night, which may have been why i slept through my alarm.